


The Help You Need

by Ryuichi



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-07-18 06:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryuichi/pseuds/Ryuichi
Summary: Yukimura Chizuru leaves her hometown in hopes to find her father who has been missing for over an year.On her journey she stumbles upon the people she hoped she would never have to meet again. Chizuru gets dragged in their world of death, secrets and politics making her and the way she perceive change for good.But she didn't know that one person in particular would make her sacrifice things she never thought she would have to.





	1. Hey, There Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-telling of the events from the Hakuouki game. The only change I've made is on Chizuru's personality and that she knew all of the Shinsengumi captains before they went to Kyoto. I didn't want to make an OC because I like Chizuru's story and what her background contributes to the story. 
> 
> (also I suck at making titles)

The soft sound of the bells being blown by the wind was the only sound you heard while staring through the opened window. The world was grey and still, as if frozen by the unusually cold weather that had gripped Edo. It was probably going to be way worse in Kyoto, though that didn’t make you determination grow any smaller. Your mind was made up maybe even before you knew it, probably even before the letters from your father stopped coming.

You glanced at the big pile of them, thrown at the corner and let out a troubled sigh. There was something wrong. You had your suspicions even before your father embarked for the capital, but each letter just confirmed those doubts until one day they just stopped coming. Not too long before he left you felt like the old man was hiding something, something horrible and disgusting, but you had no idea what. You couldn’t even remember when you started sensing something was wrong. Perhaps when he started spending too much time stuck in his room rather than doing his job as a doctor, although he kept reassuring you it was all for a “cause” that would help people. And us. That’s what he said once, but the tone of his voice and the look of his face didn’t make you feel assured, all of your sense screamed to warn you of some kind of danger. What danger, however, you had no idea. But now he was gone and you had to find him either to just find out what's happened to him, or to finally uncover all of his secrets.

You sighed heavily upon remembering the words of the people you asked about Kyoto. You knew well that everyone from Shieikan was there, but hoped that somehow they weren’t, that for some magical reason they had moved out, but it was just the opposite. Apparently, they were now calling themselves the Shinsengumi, serving under the Aizu domain and were far from moving out of the capital. Most people resented or feared them, but they had made a name for themselves, that much was certain.

A sharp pang of envy grasped your heart. You had wanted to go with them, begged Kondo and Hijikata to let you come, but they were unwavering, especially Hijikata. You felt that Kondo was slightly more inclined, but Hijikata was quick to persuade him, glaring at you with eyes that said “you are a weak girl who has no place among us.” That’s the only thing you could read in them back then and even though he might have been right, as you grew older you realized there was probably a whole lot of concern behind those cold and condemning eyes of his. But they left you. You hated and resented them for years and cursed yourself for being born as a woman. That was all you could do to fill the gaping hole they left in your heart. Even after you saw them leave, even after you saw Heisuke wave at you with a sad smile on his lips, you could not believe it. The next day you went to the dojo just like you had done every single day, but there was no Okita with a grin that always made you frustrated out of your mind, no Heisuke to greet you enthusiastically at the entrance, no Harada and Nagakura to tease you, no Hijikata to glare at you and pretend you are allowed to be there, no Kondo to gift you with a broad smile and ask how you are, they were gone.

You still remembered all too well the day you first met them. Your father was called to check on one of the students there who had been too sick for them to handle it on their own. Since you were a doctor's daughter it was expected of you to know at least the basics of it, so your father dragged you along when circumstances allowed it.  
Even though you were quite young, you remembered well how unkempt the dojo was, perhaps because your father expressed his concern about the men living in such conditions. Despite that you felt there was something much more in that wretched old dojo than it met the eye. And you were right. It was the people there. At first just Kondo, Okita and Inoue, later Hijikata and everyone else. 

You kept coming there after that student got better and your father stopped going. You just had to. You needed.

At first, they tried to chase you away, despite the fact few of them knew you were a girl. After all, what kind of girl, and that young, would want to spend time in that dojo with a bunch of rough men and mean boys?

Now you had to go to Kyoto and despite that you desperately wanted to see them, even just one of them, no matter who, but you tried with everything you had to shut that feeling away. You were still bitter and mad at them for leaving, and you had too much pride to let any of those feelings overcome you. Or maybe you just didn’t want to admit that you feared that even if you did meet them, they wouldn’t remember you or pretend they didn’t know you.

You stood up from the ground and glanced at the kodachi and the layed next to it clothes. They were man’s clothes - a pair hakama and hakamashita to go with them. You grinned at the sight of them. There were few occasions in which you could wear such clothing and after everyone from Shieikan was gone there were practically none. And you missed that more than you expected.

You tied your hair up in a simple tail and quickly peeled off the kimono, shuddering from the cold air that was filling the room, and slipped into the more unfamiliar clothes. It wasn’t like you hated wearing women’s clothing, but that feeling from wearing something you weren’t supposed, felt exhilarating and it reminded you a lot of the older and better times of the past. A quick sigh escaped your lips as you picked up the kodachi from the ground. You slowly unsheathed the blade from its scabbard and lifted it in the air, admiring the way the light reflected on the cold steel. You wanted to fight, you felt it was in your blood, especially once when you overheard Kondo and Hijikata talking about you. Kondo had said you had the eyes of a warrior and that sparked a fire in your heart that hadn't stopped burning ever since. Although there was hardly an appropriate situation for you to do that. It was true your father payed Kondo to teach you this and that after he found out you kept going to the dojo, but he wasn’t exactly keen on the idea for you to know too much. That didn’t stop you and you tried however you could to get someone to teach you and when there was no one you just trained by yourself.

Putting the kodachi back into its scabbard, you sat down in front of the desk and quickly scribbled a note for you father in case he were to get back before you. Then, throwing a last glance at the small room, you closed the window and headed for the door. You checked everything in your bag one last time before sliding the shoji open and stepping out of the house. You turned back to stare at it as if knowing that it would be many months before you’d see it again, and strode off towards the main road.  
The hour was still early and it was quite cold and you hoped because of that there would be fewer people to see you leave but quite the contrary, the streets were full of life with men and women running about and tea shops getting ready to open. You thought to yourself you just had to keep a low profile and hope that no one would recognize you because of the clothes.

The road to Kyoto was long, the weather was damn near horrible and the end result of that journey, you anticipated, was probably not going to end happy, but for some reason you felt light on your feet and more… free with every step that got you closer to the capital.

That feeling disappeared as quickly is it had come when you found yourself in front of Dr. Matsumoto’s house who was… gone and wasn’t expected to arrive soon. You heaved a frustrated sigh, helplessness downing heavily on you as you kicked a nearby pebble that almost hit a passing by you man, earning yourself a scolding frown. You sighed again working your brain to try and figure out what to do. Although it was pretty obvious, the anger and frustration bubbling in your chest prevented you from turning away to look for a place to spend the night. You were just so… mad, at your stupid luck, at the doctor and, for some reason, your father. The third sigh that escaped your lips forced out all of those negative feelings and you finally turned your back at the house. Your eyes flickered at the sky above to find out that the sunset you had looked at just a few minutes ago had now nearly faded away, leaving just a pale long streak of light over the horizon. Was that because of the winter or had you really spent so long in front of the doctor’s house?

Most of the inns on the main road seemed nice enough, although you had no way of knowing which exactly were the decent ones or in which rather more suspicious individuals tended to gather.

You walked along the whole road before deciding on choosing one that was pretty much at the other end of it. You turned around and with no small amount of shock, realized that streets were suddenly empty, not a soul to be seen. That immediately put you on edge and you instinctively put a hand on the hilt of the kodachi. Kyoto was rumoured to have a lot of roshi running the streets, but you took comfort in the fact that you knew how to fight and defend yourself, and with that reassurance took off for the inn. It was quite baffling how as soon as the sun had set people were gone, not to mention the fact that you didn’t even notice. You wondered if all this fear was reasonable, after all common people were easily scared, but seeing as how there was absolutely no one walking the streets right now you figured there had to be a sound reason behind that. Although, that didn’t really calm your nerves. Every sound of the wind, a loud conversation overheard from a nearby building or even your own shadow made you flinch and you cursed yourself for being so easily startled. You tried to calm down and prove to yourself that you weren’t just some “scared little girl” so you held your head high and walked as if you were taking an afternoon stoll. Maybe exactly because of that reason you didn’t notice the three roshi walking behind you until they made themselves present by surrounding you. One of them was right in front of you and the other remained behind you.

“What do you want?” you said although you regretted such direct approach. The next second you realized that didn’t matter because the roshi’s eyes in front of you made it pretty clear of their intentions were.

“Nice blade you got there,” the one in front of you said, his eyes fixated on your blade, glinting maliciously.

“Bit too much for a kid like you,” added the one behind on your left.

“Just give it to us, we’ll put it to good use.”

It was more than clear what was about to happen, so you desperately worked your brain to make some kind of plan. They were three, but how dangerous you couldn’t say, although they definitely weren’t to be underestimated since they had the guts to steal from people on the streets. A quick glance around your surroundings told you there was no way to run and if you were to try that you’d probably get stabbed in the back or worse. There were only two options. To fight or to give them kodachi, but there was no way of knowing that doing so would drive them away. You shrugged - you weren’t about to go down without a fight anyway.

“I doubt any of you has any actual idea how valuable this blade is,” you said trying to make your voice sound as gruff as possible. “So that means I’m not about to give it to you, you pathetic roshi.”

Using the male pronoun felt strange on your tongue, but you didn’t have much time to think about that because your hand was already drawing the kodachi from its scabbard. You took a fighting stance before any of them could realize what was happening and swung the blade. Unfortunately for you the roshi dodged, moving to the side and drawing his katana.

“You damned brat!” he said through gritted teeth and charged at you.

You knew that you most like wouldn’t be able to parry his attack, no matter how skilled you thought you were, the man in front of you was undoubtedly much stronger for you to be able to take that hit. So you ducked and before being able to think of anything else you felt your hand stab the roshi just a bit below the shoulder. It wasn’t with the full strength of your arm, even though you were prepared to fight something was stopping you to go all in.

The man shrieked making your ears ring. You suspected you wouldn’t be so lucky with the other two roshi who were already drawing their katana, so you turned around and ran as fast as your legs could carry you. You could hear the roshi cursing behind you, but you didn’t turn around and just kept running. At some point you took a turn in an alley and then another one thinking you’d be able to lose them and when you finally stopped it seemed to had worked. Your legs were shaking violently, and your breathing was coming out loudly and heavily from your burning lungs, making it impossible to hear if there were any approaching footsteps. Much to your relief you noticed a couple sheets of wood leaned against the wall of the house in front of you, so without losing any more time you knelt down under them and tried to calm your breathing. Everything was quiet; you expected to hear the sounds of the approaching roshi, but not such thing happened. Seconds turned into minutes but the silence continued. Maybe you had lost them, it wasn’t impossible. After all, one one of them was hurt and you were a fast runner.

After several minutes passed you thought the best thing to do was peek from you hiding place and get ready to eventually leave. And then you heard it. A horrible inhuman sound coming from somewhere up the alley. You froze, feeling the blood drain from your face and fear creep its way into your heart, rendering you completely unable to move. You had little time to ponder what could possibly make such a horrendous sound, before you heard the yell of that same man you had stabbed just a few minutes ago. The clank of metal against metal followed soon after and you realized there was a fight going on.

“Dammit, why won’t you just die?!”

One of the roshi shouted.

“Let’s get out of here!”

There was great fear and panic in their voices as you heard their sprinting footsteps, before they were cut down almost immediately. That same panic started to quickly spread to you, but you tried your best to get a hold of yourself. You wiped the sweat off your forehead and crept around the corner’s edge determined to see just what was out there.

Blood. There was blood everywhere. Splashed on the white wall of the houses, spilled on the cobblestones, and amidst of it all - three men, or at least so you thought, with blue haori covered in that same blood, their white hair shining sinisterly under the moonlight was too soaked in blood, their swords were poking vigorously the roshi’s now disfigured body. Then the men turned to face you and you saw they were… smiling, far from a smile any human would make. You could describe them as nothing less but evil, and you knew that sound you had heard was from these monsters standing in front of you. Their eyes fixated on you were red as the blood all around and you realized with horror than those eyes were now drawing closer. But you were frozen with horror, not even allowing the thought to scream let alone reach for your kodachi. There was only one thought in your mind. That you were inevitably going to die by the hands of these monsters.

And then there was a flash of light and you expected to feel the stabbing pain of their blades in your body, but instead what followed was another horrible scream. Then blood splashed your clothes and face, warm and sticky on your skin.

“Seriously? What a shame…”

There was only one person who could sound so happily disappointed in that situation.

“And here I was, planning to take care of them all,” he continued with that same tone of glee. “Saito-kun, couldn’t you have picked another day to work so fast?”

The two men stepped out of the shadows and your suspicions were cleared - in front of you were standing Okita and Saito and you just couldn’t believe your horrible luck. First you didn’t find Dr. Matsumoto, then you were attacked by roshi, almost got killed by some monsters and now you encountered the very same people you had prayed to not ever meet. 

“Unlike you, I take no pleasure in battle,” returned Saito with a tone empty of emotion. It was that same tone you remembered and it felt like yesterday when you first met Saito, the first person to acknowledge your skills and to always train you when he visited.

“Well, that’s just mean,” Okita said, but contrary to his own words laughed loudly.

“You don’t even bother to deny it…”

Saito sighed and finally looked at you. You expected a surprise, confusion, disbelief to appear on his face upon seeing you but his eyes only slightly narrowed before his face became expressionless again. If it weren’t for Saito’s usual collected demeanor you would have immediately thought that he couldn’t recognize you.

“But if you had just sat back and let them kill this kid you could have saved us the trouble.”

Now there were absolutely no doubts. They couldn’t recognize you. You swallowed thickly and wondered if this was good for you or not. On one hand it was good because of your still hurt feelings and you couldn’t suppress the small feeling of pride you felt since as it seemed your disguise was well done, but on the other hand Okita’s words meant that you were definitely in danger. But then again, what was the guarantee they wouldn’t kill you anyway even if they did recognize you? It would be even more painful, it would just confirm your doubts that all that time you spent with them in Shieikan didn’t matter to them. You looked Okita straight in the eyes, his eyes narrowed turning into slits and he shifted, the blue haori moving with him.

“Perhaps,” spoke Saito. “But this is not our decision to make.”

That’s right. It wouldn’t be them to decide your fate. They were part of the Shinsengumi now and their presence here meant they were following someone’s others. Hijikata’s… or Kondo’s. Your mind was working desperately trying to predict or somehow figure out what was about to follow, what your best move would be. That was maybe why you didn’t notice the third figure coming out from somewhere in the shadows until you saw his katana pointed at your throat. It was Hijikata and what you first wondered wasn’t if he was going to kill you, but if he had always looked so beautiful. The moonlight reflected on the blade was dancing in his cold violet eyes, dark and long hair was framing his face and being picked up by the wind, and for some reason you didn’t know it reminded you of flower petals… Almost as if the sakura trees were blooming out of season.

“Luck is not your friend tonight.”

His voice was quiet but harsh, and cold as his eyes, the same voice that told you to get out of the dojo so many times before. But you knew better than that. There was more to read in them than the intent to kill, there was something else. Even now, with a katana pointed at your throat you could see it. Maybe not kindness, but mercy.

He didn’t recognize you either, although maybe that wasn’t as surprising. Back in Shieikan you rarely spoke to Hijikata, almost never just the two of you. He was against you coming there and avoided you, otherwise he had to pretend you had the right to be there and he hated that. Whenever you managed to look him in the eyes there was always a dose of hostility in them. A normal person would think he hated you, but you had a feeling that was not the case, although you had no way of proving that.

“Listen, run… and I’ll kill you.”

You had no illusions that he wouldn’t. In fact, you were almost certain he was about to do it anyway, whether you ran or not, although that thought didn’t even cross your mind. But you knew that the mercy you saw had already been given to you when you were saved from those monsters. So you just nodded.

Hijikata stared at you for a while, the same stare Okita and Saito had given you, but then he just sighed and put his katana away. You saw the expression on Okita’s face change and it was clear he wasn’t expecting what Hijikata had just done.

“Huh?” Are you sure about this, Hijikata-san? This kid saw everything just now.”

Okita threw you a suspicious glare and you bit a back frown at the word “kid.” It wasn’t as if he was that much older than you. And did you really look that young? You glanced sideways, amazed at what was bothering you in that moment. They were discussing whether to leave you alive or kill you, but you wondered about your appearance. Perhaps Okita wasn’t so wrong in calling you a kid.

“Stop talking,” muttered Hijikata with a frown. “If you keep it up, you know what you’re gonna have to do.”

So that was the reason. You were not supposed to see all of that. Judging from the way they talked about it, it was quite serious, so much that even someone like you who hadn’t even the vaguest idea of what was going on was a threat.

“At any rate,” continued Hijikata, “we can’t start killing people just like that. We’ll decide what to do with him once we get back.”

“I agree with the Vice-commander,” said Saito. “If we remain here there’s a risk we may be seen again.”

 

Then he looked down at the corpse of the creature in front of you as if he had just remembered it was there. All of what was happening made you look at them with different eyes. When you had met them you knew none of them had killed a man. True, many of them bragged they could do it if they had to, especially Okita, but seeing them now kill and make threats without even a glint of hesitation made you question just how much you knew them exactly.

“If they react to blood like that they just prove to be very impractical,” Saito added looking at Hijikata who peered down at the corpses, his face was expressionless until he looked back up, the frown from before returning.

“And you two, drop the “Hijikata” and “Vice-commander” act. Keep a low profile.”

“What? You can’t be serious. Aren’t our haori a bit of a giveaway?” said Okita throwing him a withering look.

Haori or no haori you knew who they were perfectly well. Their names and faces, at the very least, you knew. They were changed, undoubtedly changed and the more you knew those new sides of them the less you felt like revealing your real identity would be a good idea. In truth, you couldn’t bare the thought of them killing you when you were Yukimura Chizuru, you prefered they kill you as they saw you now, as some unlucky kid they met on the street.

“What shall we do with the bodies?” asked Saito. “There seem to be no physical signs.”

“Just take off their haori,” answered Hijikata after some moment of thinking. “We’ll have someone deal with the rest.”

“Understood.”

“More people getting cut down on the streets,“ observed Okita. “We’re doing a great job, aren’t we?”

His words were followed by a bark of laughter that made you flinch back.

“Well, so long as we keep our mouth shut I don’t think anyone will know we were here,” answered Hijikata and by the way he threw you a glare you knew those words weren’t meant for Okita and Saito.

And then you wondered just how common were these things? If you had to judge by the way the three men handled and talked about the situation you couldn’t think nothing else than that these incidents weren’t a first nor would they be a last. It was nothing different than what the people talked, but to see it for yourself was another thing entirely.

“Hey, by the way,” Okita’s voice put a stop to your excessive thinking and to your horror you realized his words were addressed to you. “We did save you, didn’t we?”

There was anticipation in his eyes… and a great dose of mischief. Okita expected gratitude and, although he was technically right, the situation was far from fair. He wanted to tease you, but you weren’t about to fall for it.

“I find it a bit difficult to thank you since… it seems like you’re ready to kill me anyway.”

Hijikata frowned, Saito remained indifferent, but Okita, on the other hand, burst into laughter the shook his whole body.

“Trying to play tough, are we?” he said finally, after having stopped laughing. “I’m not sure how far that would get you.”

“Well, It got me this far.”

You clenched your teeth and cursed yourself for being so careless with your words. That kind of behaviour didn’t seem like it was going to win you any favours, but you just couldn’t stop yourself. Your exchange of words with Okita wasn’t much different from when you used to talk to each other at Shieikan. He was always, always trying to tease you and was doing it even now, when he didn’t even who you were.

“But how far is this I wonder?”

After those words Okita broke out into laughter once again, but then he straightened up and looked you with his face stretched in a wide and mocking grin.

“You’re a funny kid, so I’ll tell you my name,” he said as if telling you his name was something very worthy of note, and perhaps it would have been if you didn’t already know it. “I’m Okita Souji. And the one who actually did save you is Saito Hajime-kun. This bossy guy over here--”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Hijikata threw a death stare at Okita, but he seemed completely unfazed.

“Vice-commander, I understand your concerns, but we must move,” Saito interrupted finally putting an end to this whole ordeal. His voice was as composed as usual, but you felt the tone of urgency behind it.

Okita approached you and grabbed your hand, his fingers locking around your wrist. His smile remained on his face, but his grip was tight and cold like wire enveloping your skin. You glanced at the cobblestones that led to the main street and you knew that if you were to run you’d be killed on the spot. Not that you were planning on it, but you still didn’t really want to entertain the idea of the potential threat of dying that loomed over you.

Your eyes travelled over at Saito’s figure and your eyes met.

“It would be best if you prepared yourself for the worst,” he said and you felt his eyes pierce right through you. “I doubt this will end for you.”

That wasn’t very cheering, you thought. In truth, you were just trying to calm down your already shattering nerves. Panic was threatening to take over, but you ignored that, trying to play it tough even in front of yourself. Because you were scared. You heard the same irritating laugh of Okita, looked at the same stern eyes of Hijikata, and listened to the usual calm and cold of Saito and yet they felt more foreign to you than ever. They were the same faces that you had said goodbye to two years ago, but the men wearing those faces were not the same. They were changed. And it was a change that you felt cost them a lot and it terrified you more than you could believe as they led you down the dark alley.


	2. To Kill or Not to Kill

The headquarters of the Shinsengumi wasn’t too far from where the men had found you. You probably walked around twenty minutes, although to you it felt like hours had passed before you reached the tall gates of a seemingly quite large residence.

Not a single word was uttered during the whole journey, the men were communicating through signs and glances whenever anything needed to be said. Okita’s grip on your wrist remained just as tight until you walked under the gate of the residence that was supposedly the headquarters. The big area on which the residence was placed was the only thing that you could distinguish in the dark night while you stood in its courtyard waiting for Saito to return. Hijikata had whispered something to him you couldn’t hear, after which he nodded and turned around, walking off with quick but silent footsteps. Since neither Hijikata nor Okita moved, you had to assume they were waiting for Saito to return. And he did, with a long rope, and a rag. You felt your heart sink down into your stomach as you unconsciously struggled to release yourself from Okita’s grip. He threw you a glare and smiled sinisterly. His smile was enough to tell you what was about to follow if you tried to resist. So you clenched your teeth as Okita’s deft hands bound your limbs in tight knots and put the rag around your mouth. The only thing you could move was your feet. Not for too long, however. They led you to a room, faraway from the big courtyard. Hijikata pointed at a futon on the ground and you had no choice but to lie down. Okita bound your legs in knots even tighter than the ones on your hands and then they all left without a word, taking your bag and kodachi with them.

The rag around your mouth and the fact that your movement was so restricted made panic raise in your chest, but you had to resist it. Nothing good could come out of panicking and it wasn’t as if you had another choice. You had to hold on until morning when they would undoubtedly decide what to do with you.

It took you a lot, but you managed to roll over your side and then sigh through the fabric. Your mind swirled with thoughts, but one in particular was bothering you the most. The fact that they couldn’t recognize you. It wasn’t that long ago since you last saw them and you highly doubted that you had changed that much in the course of just two years. Or was your disguise that good?

 

In the end you somehow fell asleep, too exhausted to do anything else. 

When you woke up it seemed to be the early morning. Your body screamed with pain from having been bound for so long and that reminded you that all of what was happening wasn’t a dream. Not to mention, you never had any dreams in which they wanted to kill you.  
All you could do was wriggle around, getting even more tangled in the blankets, and you wished for nothing more than to move freely even if that meant to have them kill you. Then a single thought hung in your head - What will happen to you…? Well, there a couple of scenarios you could imagine, death being one of them. Yet the more you thought the less likely it seemed. If they had to kill you they would have done so and not go through all the trouble of bringing you here. But then there was the fact that Hijikata had suggested it, meaning he just hadn’t made up his mind yet. You assumed it was probably Kondo who was in charge, so maybe he had to consult with him? You couldn’t imagine Kondo ordering them to kill you, he was a kind and honest man and you couldn’t allow yourself the thought that he’d decide someone innocent needed to die just because they happened to see something they weren’t supposed to. Or wouldn’t he… So far you got to understand that none of them men you saw so far were what they used to be when they lived in Edo, so how impossible would it be for Kondo to have changed as well? That thought wasn’t very comforting.

And then there was the question of your identity. Would it be of any use whatsoever to reveal who you were? Would it even matter at all? You desperately hoped it would. Not just so you could keep your life, but as a proof that your relationship with them meant something. You felt desperation settle deep in your stomach, bitter and drowning. It was then when the shoji slid open and you heard the footsteps of someone stepping in. You motioned yourself to turn around and after some moments of struggle you finally faced the person standing in front of your futon. It was none other than the kind Inoue.

“Ah, I see you’ve finally awaken,” he spoke kindly and frowned upon seeing how you struggled to sit up. “My apologies, this is no way to treat a guest. Please wait, I’ll loosen the ropes.

You raised your brows in surprise at the word “guest” but Inoue didn’t seem to notice as he bent down to remove the ropes. Your wrist, however, remained bound. Then Inoue looked at you and his brows furrowed.

“Yukimura-kun…?

His words were barely a whisper and you read it more on his lips than heard it, but it was clear he had recognized your face. You, however, didn’t react, just stared at him blankly. Apparently, your acting was good enough, because Inoue shook his head with a small smile and turned to look at you again.

“I am Inoue Genzaburo, a pleasure to meet you,” he said and stood up. “Now if you would follow me… They have been discussing what to do with you all morning.”

Inoue helped you to stand up and you followed him outside trying your best not to stumble. The morning was cold, but quite clear with the morning sun illuminating everything around you. You really were in some kind of residence. The buildings didn’t seem like they were made for samurai’s headquarters, although you could see some innovations added here and there. The courtyard was especially beautiful and you found it rather funny that warriors were living in such a place, although, with time, you realized you couldn’t have imagined them someplace else.

“For now they’ve decided to hear about what exactly is it you saw last night,” spoke Inoue while you walked down the engawa. His voice was polite, but not as warm as when he greeted you just a minute ago. It was quite clear where you stood, not that you expected any better. It was almost as if he sensed your thoughts when he turned around and smiled at you.

“Don’t worry, it’s going to be alright. I know they seem scary, but they are all truly gentlemen.”

Gentlemen… hardly, you thought, though you could allow the thought that they could be merciful. After all you had seen it first hand, but how merciful, however, it remained to be seen.

“I find that hard to believe,” you said making your best impression of a boy and reminding yourself to use the male pronoun.

Inoue blinked at you, but then smiled again.

“The youngest man, Toudou-kun, is about your age… or perhaps slightly older. And there are a Nagakura-kun and Harada-kun who are very lively, so it’ll be fine.”

 

You had always been close with those three and Inoue’s descriptions matched what you knew, so maybe they were one of the few who hadn’t changed. Whether it was true or not, it gave you some kind of comfort and you desperately clung to it.

Soon after that brief conversation, Inoue stopped in front of a room and slid open the shoji motioning you to get in. And you did, finding yourself surrounded by the leaders of the Shinsengumi who were all, accidentally, people you already knew.

The room fell silent upon your arrival and you felt that all eyes were on you. You frowned with animosity, trying to seem like the kid you were presenting yourself to be, but you saw the suspicious expressions mixed with confusion and not a small dose of disbelief. It was almost comical how all of these feelings appeared on the faces of the men almost simultaneously.

None of them said anything, however. They all shot glances at Inoue, but whatever expression he had made didn’t seem to satisfy them because you saw their faces frown with even deeper confusion. The deepest frown, however, was that of Hijikata who stared inquisitively at you as if trying to read your mind. You were almost certain they could recognize you, but the fact they weren’t saying anything made you doubt that. Perhaps they couldn’t believe it?

The one who broke the unbearable silence was Okita.

“Good morning! I take it you slept well?”

You waited for him to continue, but he didn’t and you realized he was waiting for an answer. You shifted your legs and replied:

“Well, I wouldn’t use exactly that word to describe it…”

Okita raised his eyes in disbelief, but you knew just by the way he was smiling that this surprise was feigned.

“Huh, is that so? Because when I went to have a look at your earlier, you didn’t budge, no matter what I poked.”

There was no way that could have happened, because you awoke at least a few hours before dawn and no one had set a foot in your room, though you did hear footsteps walking around in front. You frowned annoyed at his attempts to tease you even now.

“I highly doubt that,” you returned and to your surprise Okita laughed slapping his knee. Then he nodded at Hijikata and he just sighed very very loudly.

“So, Hijikata-san, this is your witness?” a voice called out from across the room. It was Heisuke who seemed completely unfazed by the atmosphere in the room. He looked like he didn’t share the other men’s suspicion about your identity. It was so Heisuke that you nearly smiled. But, although his personality seemed the same, his appearance was quite different from the last time you saw him. Heisuke was finally starting to look more like a man than a boy, though in your opinion, he still had a long way to go.

“He’s a real stick, huh?” Heisuke continued looking at your from head to toe. “Still a kid, this one…”

“You are still a kid as well, Heisuke,” reminded him Nagakura who as well seemed to not be bothered by you.

“Right you are. To anybody else, I’ll bet you two look like like a sad pair of scrawny little brats,” added Harada, although the look he gave you made you think he wasn’t exactly meaning those words. He narrowed his eyes at you and you quickly averted your gaze.

“I’m the only one who gets to call ’em out on being scrawny punks because I’m a mature adult and all,” said Nagakura while grinning at Heisuke and Harada.

“Mature adult…?” Harada raised his brows in mocking manner. “Anything that comes out of your mouth is basically nonsense, Shinpachi.”

It was no doubt that those three were the same as you remembered. But then you thought that probably hardly even mattered since they weren’t in charge, if they were to be given the order to kill they would do it no matter what they thought.

“Leave off, you grumpy old bastards,” said Heisuke with a frown and waving at them contemptuously.

“The hell I will, boy!” exclaimed Nagakura. “You think you can get away with talking to us like that?”

“Besides,” Harada chimed in, “I’m hardly mature enough to be called “old.” Shinpachi maybe, but… not me.”

“You son of a bitch…” said Nagakura, clearly offended. “I thought you were on my side, Sano!”

Heisuke broke out into laughed.

“C’mon, Shinpatsu-san! Would an adult get so worked up over something like this?”

Their banter was a sign of how much stronger their friendship had grown to be, making you feel even more of an outsider among them when just a few years ago you were often part of similar conversations like this. And then it hit you that that’s how things were going to be from now on, even if you revealed yourself, what were the chances that even Harada, Nagakura and Heisuke would accept you in their circle just like they had done before when you were a kid. You bit your lip and suddenly wished for nothing more than to be home, or just anywhere else that wasn’t there.

“My apologies for this, young man,“ sounded a voice and your eyes flickered at the direction of the man who was none other than Kondo. You almost felt like crying upon seeing his bright and warm face with a smile that was almost illuminating and contrasting everyone’s guarded expressions. He was the same kind man you remembered, but… he couldn’t recognize you. “I am the Commander of the Shinsengumi, Kondo Isami.”

“So you are the leader of these men?” you asked looking him in the eyes.

It wasn’t really surprising, Kondo had that natural charisma and combined with his honesty and kind straightforwardness you thought that made him perfect for the position.

“Well… yes, I suppose,” he smiled almost shyly glancing sideways. “But it’s not just me, Toshi over there is our Vice-commander and Sanan-kun is the colonel.”

“Hey, Kondo-san” Hijikata cut him while throwing you a glare. “Why are you telling him all that?”

“Why, you think it’s a bad idea?” 

Kondo looked at Hijikata startled, but he just sighed.

“Well, unless you want the kid to know all of your secret,” said Nagakura, “maybe you shouldn’t say anything.”

“Exactly,” added Heisuke. “Why bother? We owe him nothing.”

“Hm… You all raise good points, but isn’t it rude to ignore your guests?” Kondo said contemplating their words, but then he looked at you apologetically.

“I hardly feel like a guest, so please, you really don’t owe me anything at all.”

Harada glanced over at Kondo and his body shook with laughter.

“Well, we’ve gone this far, so it’s not like telling him will hurt us.”

Kondo smiled after Harada’s words, satisfied that someone shared his opinion, but then his face became serious, that of a commander, and he turned to Saito.

“Now, let’s get back to the business at hand. Can you give me a full report of last night.”

Saito whom you just noticed sitting at the back of the room, gazed at you and then turned his look over to Kondo.

“Yes. Last night we were on patrol when we encountered some wandering roshi. They drew steel, so we fought. Some of our men subdued the roshi, but in doing so exposed their failure.

Saito looked at you again implicating that this was when you showed up. Although, no one said anything you felt like you had to speak. But you couldn’t. You had seen if not everything then enough. It was useless to deny, so you cut to the chase.

“Whatever was it that I saw… I won’t say a word about it.”

You had no idea how convincing you sounded, but it seemed like not enough as Hijikata was still glancing at you harshly, Saito remained emotionless yet just as cold and Okita was still grinning knowingly.

“So in other words you saw everything. The whole ugly business,” concluded Harada.

“Wait a minute,” Nagakura interrupted suddenly. “ Souji said you helped some of our men or something…”

“What? No! I…” you stuttered and stared down at the tatami mat. Technically, it was true, although you were only trying to save yourself. “The ronin attacked me, I stabbed one of them in the arm then ran and found myself at that back alley until… you saved me. But like I said, I won’t tell anyone about this.”

The captains exchanged each other looks and none of them seemed like they trusted anything of what you said, or at least didn’t accept with a lot of scepticism.

Then all of a sudden spoke Sanan, his glasses glinted as he did.

“It seems unlikely that your encounter with the roshi was a mere coincidence and yet it seems unlikely, too, that you’re an enemy.”

You were never really on particularly good terms with Sanan, the truth was that you had never spoken to him directly and he ignored you even more than Hijikata did. It wasn’t like you could blame him, though. After all, you could think of few reasons a grown man like Sanan would want to talk to the girl and kid you used to be. And now, even though his voice was warm and there was a smile playing in his lips, his words were cold.

“Despite your good intentions you could be taken for interrogation. Could you handle torture?”

Torture… You had prepared yourself to be killed, but it almost seemed as if being left alive was about to prove to be much harder. It was clear that none of the men were about to let it this go whatever you said, and it there wasn’t much to offer other than your word.

“Staying quiet is easy, but if you were captured you’d have no loyalty to the Shinsengumi,” added Saito and his words felt almost final, as if your word meant nothing.

You sighed and realized they had every right to think so. They were samurai, with clear goals and purpose and if someone was a threat to all these things it was only natural that they did what was necessary even if that involved murder. And you suspected it did involve murder more than anything else.

“We have no way of verifying your word,” said Okita looking you straight in the eyes with the same knowing look.

You felt… that he knew, that he had recognized you, but there was no way to be sure with someone like him and the fact that he was keeping it quiet didn’t do much to encourage you.

“Hey, let’s just kill the kid. You want to keep someone quiet, that’s the only way.”

You glanced at him and even though you weren’t sure how much of it he really meant, you still felt your face go pale and you swallowed.

“Souji!” Kondo shot him a glare that only he could make seem both scolding and kind at the same time. It really reminded you of a father-son relationship and you nearly grinned at the thought of that. “What do we gain by murdering a civilian?”

“Oh, don’t give me that look. It was just a joke.”

“Perhaps it should have sounded like a joke…”

Okita chuckled mischievously, unfazed by Saito’s rebuke.

“But surely there must be something we can do?” said Inoue who so far had just watched without saying a word. “After all, we’re talking about a child…”

“I’ve too no desire to kill him,” answered Sanan, “but ignoring the unlikelihood of his trustworthiness is foolish. Now… I’d like to hear the vice-commander’s opinion. What do you say, Vice-Commander Hijikata?

Hijikata looked at you, at first sternly and harshly but then his shoulders dropped and he hung his head, sighing heavily. Everyone’s eyes were on Hijikata, expecting him to give some kind of order, but he just looked as he was placed with a terrible burden, that was just for a few moments before he straightened up and spoke:

“Last night we killed men who broke the code. He shouldn’t have been involved at all.”

His words, although they sounded final, were spoken too casually for you to think Hijikata meant what everyone was probably thinking.

“Then I imagine that puts an end to the matter for you?” asked Sanan, his face impossible for you to read.

“Well, he probably saw something but I doubt he really understands what it was.”

“Even, so this is serious. We have bigger things to consider. We have to keep this under wraps,” stated Nagakura and by his tone you could conclude that he probably didn’t quite entertain the idea of letting you go. “If rumours break that Shinsengumi men are thirsty for blood, it would be trouble.”

And to no surprise, everyone in the room nodded in agreement, Hijikata, however, frowned.

“Hey, watch your mouth. It’s our responsibility to regulate all warriors who violate the code and they will be dealt with.”

“But well, it doesn’t change the fact that the kid saw something,” said Okita quick to get back on topic.

“I think Souji has a point…” Harada glanced sideways but then shrugged his shoulders as if having taken a decision,“ but still, I’ll do what Hijikata-san and Kondo-san say.”

“I think we oughta let him go,” said Heisuke. “He doesn’t know everything, you know?”

You furrowed your brows and unconsciously wondered what did you see last night. It wasn’t human for sure, it couldn’t have been. No normal human could scream like that, or have that unnatural white hair. But more importantly, how were those creatures connected to the Shinsengumi? Judging by how all of this was kept as a secret, a secret so big they’d kill for it if need be, then they must somehow have been responsible for this. Responsible how, however, was probably the most important question. Whatever it was, you felt it was probably way bigger than you could imagine.

Hijikata glared at Heisuke as if having read your mind.

“Heisuke! Shut your mouth.”

“Ah… my bad.”

Heisuke’s eyes widened slightly at the realization he had said something he shouldn’t have and then glanced at you for a reaction.

“Uh-oh…” Okita’s voice rang through the air making your head snap up to look at him. He was smiling, as if happy for the opportunity to tease you some more. “This is going to make it even harder for us to let you go…”

You frowned and your eyes darted at Heisuke’s direction. It wasn’t as if you could make anything of what he had said, but it was implying enough to cause more complications. You stifled a sigh and couldn’t believe once again your horrible luck. Death seemed like the most probable option out of all.

“A man should always be ready to face death,” said Nagakura with a stern expression. “You should already have made peace with that.”

Nagakura seemed like he really hadn’t seen through your disguise. It was either that or he was really a good actor. You doubted it was the latter.

“True,” added Harada. “A brave death is always an option. When I was young I committed seppuku.”

“But you’re still alive, aren’t you, Sano?”

You had heard that story many times over, but two men still laughed at the mention of it. It really had been years since you last heard it yet still remembered every little detail of it. Although, being in the situation you were, you’d gladly hear it another one hundred times if needed.

“Vice-Commander,” interrupted Saito. “Since we can’t reach a consensus should I sent the kid back to his room?”

Hijikata frowned and nodded.

“Indeed, let’s do that - there’s something I want to look into.”

“Let’s go.”

Saito motioned you to turn around taking on a quick pace for your room. He said nothing and you couldn’t read what was going through his mind no matter how much you stared at his face. He seem completely unfazed by your continues starring until you reached your room when he threw you one last glance before shutting the shoji in front of you. You sighed and looked at your still bound hands.

 

You tried reflecting on what has happened, wondering if the situation had gone well or not. It was really hard to tell and in the end you decided to focus on what your next move should be. Your first thought was escape, but that was quickly ruled out - it was useless to even try it, you had no doubt there were guards put at every exit, especially so around your room, if they were to find out you tried to escape, they’d cut you down on the spot. Besides death, there was once small childish side of you that didn’t want to run away before you had revealed yourself to them; you wanted to know if they had recognized you and what your appearance here now meant to them. Which led to the second option. Just telling the truth. Either way, the worst-case scenario was death and you’d rather have it while they knew who you were.

You pondered over that idea for a several more hours until finally deciding to just do it. The more you put it off, the harder it would be.

You glanced at the door but it didn’t seem as if there was anyone out there, not that you expected it to be that obvious. You got up and slowly approached the door. It didn’t feel like a good idea to shout, or maybe that was the better choice at the time, but for some reason back then you thought it would be better to get out of the room and look for someone of the captains. 

You reached out your foot to open the shoji with your toe, having no other choice with your still bound hands, and was just about to do it when the shoji flew open on its own.

“Aaah!”

Both you and Kondo screamed in each other’s faces, the scream scaring both of you to death. You fell down on your butt and winced at the pain.

“Oh my,” sounded Sanan’s voice. “Well, that was rather bold. You were looking to escape, I assume?”

“No!”

“Attempting to escape was unwise,” he continued ignoring you completely. His voice was calm but unnerving. Only Sanan could sound so warm and look so cold at the same time. “It will only make your situation more difficult.”

Just then, Hijikata and Okita appeared from behind Sanan. Hijikata was glaring daggers at you.

“Run and I’ll cut you - I told you once and I won’t do it again.”

“Sorry, but we’ll have to kill you,” Okita seemed awfully amused by that whole situation. “We can’t trust a kid who can’t keep a promise.”

“I wasn’t trying to escape.”

“And you just think we’ll believe you?,” he continued. “What else could be you doing while opening the shoji, hm? Tell me anything at least a little bit logical for us and maybe you won’t die today.”

Their eyes were unforgiving, it seemed that whatever you said wouldn’t matter one bit. You had screwed up royally and now there was no way to fix it all up just like that, at least you couldn’t think of a way. Suddenly, telling them of your real identity felt like it was worth nothing at all.

“You won’t even let me explain myself?” you said choking on your anger. “Fine! Then do whatever the hell you want with me.”

Then Okita burst in laughter, his shoulders shaking as if he was having a terrible cough not a laugh. You stared at him shocked and trying to understand what this reaction was supposed to mean.

 

“You’re funny,” he said finally, wiping a tear off his eye. “But… maybe we were a little rough on you, so calm down now, okay? We weren’t going to eat your or anything.”

“You just said you were going to kill me!”

Okita chuckled and looked you straight in the eyes and you felt the air shift.

“You are just as naive as I remember you, Chizuru-chan.”

You felt the blood drain from your face and for a moment thought you were feeling a little dizzy. Then it struck you that the last two times you had spoken you didn’t even try changing your voice having been too consumed by anger. Not that it mattered much.

“You… you knew?” your voice was barely a whisper as you stared at Okita’s smug face.

“What?!” it was Kondo’s turn to be surprised. “Souji! Are you telling me this young man is… Yukimura-kun?!”

“Kondo-san, calm down,” said Hijikata, his expression turned into a tired frown. “I thought all of you caught on… well, maybe not you, Kondo-san but…”

“Don’t tell me, you too, Sanan-kun, knew the truth all this time?”

“Yes… it’s quite obvious it was Yukimura-kun all along, although I’m sure her disguise could fool anyone that doesn’t know her.”

You wanted to say something, but had no idea what. They had known all along, all of them, except for Kondo, and yet they had said nothing. But why? You had no idea what to make of that, so the only emotion that you could feel right now was anger.

“Now, why don’t you tell your big brother why you’re in Kyoto out of all places and cross-dressing to top it off,” said Okita taking a step closer to you. “Did you start missing us that badly?”

“Oh, shut up! As if I’d come all the way here just for you!”

Okita seemed slightly taken aback by your words as his mocking smile faded just a little.

“Maybe we should all sit down and talk this over again,” interrupted Sanan. “Some us may have changed their opinions.”

And so you stood once again surrounded by the leaders of the Shinsengumi.

“I really did think at first you looked familiar, but to think you are actually Yukimura-kun…” said Kondo said while smiling and looked at your face with a studious look. “But just look at you! I remember you like that little girl, but now you’ve started to look more like a woman!”

You turned your eyes away, embarrassment slowly starting to creep its way in. Your gaze landed on Heisuke who also had a weird look on his face.

“Jeez… it really is you Chizuru. I really… I really had no idea. You are different now. You look like a… girl.”

“Whatever did I look like before,” you mumbled angrily. “Well, you still have a long way to go to start looking like a real man, Heisuke.”

His surprised expression was quickly changed to an angry frown and you heard Harada and Nagakura laugh behind you.

“Hey! I am a real man!”

“And to think it was really you…” Inoue interrupted, as if not noticing Heisuke’s angry outbursts. “I knew it, but… it just seemed so impossible.”

“Well, it does look like Chizuru-chan, but how could we be sure?” said Nagakura. “It could be just a boy that looks like Chizuru-chan!”

“Huh?” you turned around and frowned seeing the suspicious look Nagakura was giving you.

“Really?” said Harada. “Not obvious enough for you? Just look at the way she’s frowning, no one frowns like Chizuru-chan.”

That made your frown deepen and Harada laughed.

“Well, then… if you really are Chizuru-chan I don’t think I’d want to kill you,” continued Nagakura, his brows furrowed in contemplation.

“No matter who you are, if you’re a threat to the peace… you’ll have to go,” Okita was quick to add. 

Those words hurt. You understood their goals, and was very familiar with their resolve, but to hear this spoken about you… it made you feel even more betrayed. Did revealing yourself really meant nothing? You started thinking that you probably really were just some little girl to them. Them knowing about your identity all of a sudden seemed like the worst idea ever.

“Sorry, but I took the liberty of checking through your belongings,“ said Hijikata as if Okita hadn’t spoken. “It seems like you really did come all the way from Edo by yourself. You don’t seem to have much: some pocket change, some letters and… your kodachi. One of the letters was from Matsumoto Ryojun. I assume you saw him.”

“No, I--”

“What exactly are your intentions, Yukimura Chizuru?”

“Hijikata-san, you’re misunderstanding, I just--”

“Answer the question.”

Hijikata didn’t raise his voice, but the sharpness of his tone made it clear he wanted a straight answer and he wanted it right now.

“Now, wait a moment.” Kondo interrupted looking at Hijikata as if to calm him down. “I am sorry, Yukimura-kun, but we only need to determine if you are a threat. Will you tell us your side of the story?”

Kondo’s calming voice gave you comfort and you couldn’t say no. Besides, it was just what you had been wanting to do - explain your situation properly. So you stood up and started talking, staring at the once familiar faces. You told them about how your father had been missing, being the reason why you had come to Kyoto, and the whole ugly business with the roshi, not skipping any details. They were watching closely, not missing every movement or expression you made. That made you too self-conscious but you managed to finish your story without any screw-ups. 

When you finished, silence washed over the room for a couple of moments, that seemed decades to you, until finally Hijikata sighed closing his eyes contemplatively.

“Just as I thought…” he mumbled. 

“What?”

“Considering the timing of your father’s disappearance it seemed completely logical that this could be the reason of your coming here,” said Hijikata, his eyes still closed. “I just wanted to hear you say it, so I can be completely sure. Just a precaution, Yukimura, I hope you understand.” He opened his eyes and looked at you. “We weren’t going to kill you.”

“Wait, a minute? You know my father’s missing? How? And why?” you started asking questions one after another, your mind incapable of understanding this new information. “Don’t tell me… he’s been coming here to visit you? But why? And why hasn’t he told me? When-”

“Now, now, Yukimura-kun, calm down and you might be able to learn something,” said Sanan, interrupting your tirade.

“The Shinsengumi is currently attempting to determine the whereabouts of Yukimura Kodo,” added Saito who, up until now, had quickly stood in a corner of the room.

“You are after him? Why? Has he done something wrong?”

“Oh, don’t get the wrong idea,” said Okita. “We’re not after him. He was a fellow supporter of the bakufu, but the truth is he sorta disappeared a little while ago.”

“I am well-aware…”

“There’s a reasonable chance that enemies of the bakufu have identified him as a threat,” said Saito. “There’ is, of course, a chance he might be still alive. Doctors skilled in western medicine are rare.”

You let your eyes dart over the room, letting your brain take this new information. Your father supporter of the bakufu. You knew he was on the side of Tokugawa, but you had no idea he was that much devoted. And to think he was even meeting with the Shinsengumi and hadn’t told you. You shook your head with disdain, just another secret to put on top of the big pile.

“Kondo-san, what do you think about this?” said Sanan, interrupting your train of thought. “Since we’re looking for the same person, would it be in your interest to lend her a hand?”

“What exactly… do you mean by that?” asked Kondo.

“I only meant to say that we should cooperate to find Kodo-san,” explained Sanan. “With her assistance, I’m sure our chances will improve drastically. Looking for him may prove fruitless, however. If he’s in disguise, spotting him will be difficult. But you are his daughter after all. You ought to recognize him no matter how he may have disguised himself, yes?”

“That I can do.”

“What do you think, Toshi?” said Kondo. “I agree with Sanan-kun’s opinion.”

Hijikata was wearing once again his tired expression as he glanced at you. 

“Well… if it’s really Yukimura we can’t just kill her. Not to mention she’s also Kodo-san’s daughter.” Hijikata’s look became more stern, sizing you up. “If you promise to keep last night a secret, we’ll let you stay until you find your father.”

It seemed like you had no saying in the matter. You thought that even if you had refused they’d just force you anyways since it was clear that having you there was for their own benefit. Even though, you felt a small of dose of happiness of acknowledging you as someone somewhat important, you still couldn’t help but feel a bit of reluctance. 

“And I promise,” Kodo was quick to add. “that the Shinsengumi will do whatever they can to help you find, Kodo-san!”

Now those words you could trust. You couldn’t possibly not trust Kondo. You always had and he had never once betrayed that trust. So you bowed.

“Thank you,” you said, your voice flat but stern, showing gratitude or so you hoped. 

“Ah, I am so glad we won’t have to kill you, Chizuru-chan,” said Okita, his excited voice ringing through the room. “You must be happier, though, aren’t you?”

He gave you that same wolfish grin and you narrowed your eyes at him.

“I’m honestly, ecstatic, really,“ you replied with no small dose of sarcasm making Okita’s shoulders shake with laughter.

It was quite clear your situation wasn’t exactly perfect, but it was way better than you had imagined it would be. Not only did they not kill you, but they even spared you because of who you were and even promised they’d help you find your father. It was, in fact, the best case-scenario. The only thing that was bothering you was - what business exactly did your father have with the Shinsengumi? And why had it continued to be kept as such a secret? But seeing as how things went when you asked questions, you decided to keep those for later, or better yet, to never have them answered if it meant finding your father.

“Yukimura-kun, I’m so glad,” said Inoue with a kind smile. “I’m so happy to see you again.”

“Thank you, Inoue-san,” you replied, allowing yourself a faint smile. “I am very happy as well, really.”

“Hey, Gen-san,” said Kondo, his expression suddenly worried. “With her being a lady, after all, I don’t think our all-male household is equipped for her needs.”

“Yes, true… This is a bit troubling indeed…”

Konod crossed his arms, deep in thought.

“If you need anything, you just need to ask,” said Saito his voice and expression indifferent but you felt the concern beneath the cold exterior.

“Thank you, but--”

“Well!” interrupted Nagakura, his eyes sparkling. “I don’t know about anything else, but I’m happy to see you again, Chizuru-chan!”

“Shinpatsu-san, you just can’t hold back your emotions, can you?” said Heisuke in a mocking tone.

“Oh, come on,” Harada tuned in. “What’s so bad about that? I’m also happy to see, Chizuru-chan, it’s been years after all. Aren’t you happy as well, Heisuke?”

“Well, yeah, but... “ Heisuke’s face was serious, but then he kept his gaze on you for a bit and his face stretched in a smile. “Oh, hell, I can’t deny I’m also happy about it.”

“At any rate,” sounded Sanan’s voice. “I’m not sure our headquarters are up to standards for a lady…”

“You don’t have to treat me different than any other soldier.” You finally managed to say. “ I can continuing posing as boy and you could say I’m a new recruit. I don’t mind at all, really. In fact, I’d rather have it this way.”

“Then make her a page or something,” added Hijikata, seeming as he fancied your idea. Kondo-san’s or Sanan-san’s.”

“Not like this, Hijikata-san,” said Okita with a grin. “It’s your idea, so don’t pawn her off on someone else.”

“Ah, that’s right!” exclaimed Kondo. “We can entrust her with Toshi.”

“Well, there you have it Hijikata-kun,” added Sanan, a smile playing on his lips. “I hope you take good care of her.”

“You bastards…” growled Hijikata. “You can’t just decide like that!”

You let a sight escape your lips at their back-and-forth and wondered if your situation was still as good as you thought it a few minutes ago. At any rate, you really had no choice in the matter. You just had to do your best at being Hijikata’s page. Kind of an honour if you really thought about it, well, it wasn’t really his choice, but still, you had to take your victories where you could get them. Besides that, you were happy that they had allowed you to keep on your disguise, for some reason to made you feel much more comfortable. 

Your eyes scanned the room trying to take in everything around you and getting used to the thought that this was going to be your life for quite a while

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got a bit too long haha :') I didn't plan on it, but it's going to a be a slow burn yaay


End file.
